Trying to work some stuff out in my head... so, a few months ago I got really drunk and a friend asked me something that I didn't quite understand cause we were in a bar and I was drunk, and I did not answer her very clearly. She asked about the living stuff for next year adn I was trying to tell her that i would love to live with her and that she was welcome at our house without it sounding like I liked her more or less than my current roomies. What I was thinking = It would be really great to add you to the group because you are different, not in a better or worse way, and it would really be nice to have you around. What I said was, "Yea, that'd be awesome cause somethimes I feel like I dont relate to my roomies and yea, you know." (realizes that doesn't sound right AT ALL and is not a success in communicating my thoughts in any way) "you know what I mean? Just you like places like this and itd be nice to have a buddy to go there... i dont always like the bars they go to."
I AM SO DUMB. Things have been weird after that and I really don't know what to do to fix it because that isn't what I mean. I really, really need a night with one of my old friends to just cry out about this... gah, thats not my effing thoughts at all.
And worse, the whole time I have lived with them I never really felt like a part of the group which is shitty and I think they think I lie a lot which I don't it just fucking sucks. I need to (1) not get on FB for about a week, (2) after my exam Wednesday- not miss any days at VT and (3) make more plans with them ahead of time, and (4) really watch how much I drink when I go out.
The reality is that the girl I was talking to still tries to hang out and all their friends still seem to like me so I didn't do anything too awful I just wasn't communicating well. Also, a lot of this is probably paranoia-- I am not as close to them but if I just go out more and chipper up I am sure it will get better and I will feel much better about the whole thing. M is prob just made bc I made friends with one of her friends which I have seen people get mad about before. K is prob just stressed plus I need to do something nice for her. And, I really just haven't seen Ma but she is prob thinking I am hurting/ affecting MI about VT. I can fix this even though I am sure nothing is actually wrong. Just need to be a better friend...
And, getting back on some uppers will help I am sure.
Plus, just making more plans which I should be able to do more with this second job... and I think I will go out more when I lose this weight which I think I can do by June. I mean, I am far from where I want to be now and I really need to tone up, but I am by no means fat. Just bigger than I want to be. Plus, the snicks... I have to quit doing that-- its awful. But I don't think thats it I just need to stop doing it for guilt reasons.
Quit talking about-- Ma, Jo, Scotland, religion, my future/ future plans, not feeling well, eating/losing weight, money problems, problems in my fam, Wboro/AL, sleep, and Mi
And be honesthonest but know there are some things not to talk about :) LOve.
Here is some inspiring bits...